I remember at my 12 week ultrasound how in love I already was. The baby was moving like crazy, sucking their thumb, and even sticking their tongue out. It was amazing. I remember calling my friend Leah on my way home from that appointment and completely beaming about that ultrasound. I felt the feeling of relief that I made it to the three month mark, and I could announce it to the world that we were in fact having another BABY! You never think bad things are going to happen to yourself or the people you love. You have heard several sad stories of others and wonder how they get through it. How they move on and be normal. Ever since becoming a mother myself I have vowed never to judge someone else for how they handle certain situations. Motherhood is so hard. SO HARD. Life in general is hard. I never place judgement on how people handle situations because thankfully I have never been put in too many that are this difficult. Most days I feel like its not me it happened to. Some days I cry in my shower or my in car or on my husband's shoulder. But I'm amazed with how much I am healing. My friend Carol and I were talking....I told her how much stronger I was than I thought I was....Her response to me was "Well Krissy, I can't tell you how happy that makes me. God IS answering my prayers. He is HEALING you." Great prospective.
I know my baby was not healthy, and I know that if he/she can not live inside of my womb there is no way it could live outside of my womb as the womb is the safest place for a baby. I know my baby had health issues that were out of my control and was not the baby we thought we were having. I wish I never had to go through labor. As if the feeling of losing your baby is not enough, you now have to go through labor with the decision of whether or not to hold your baby and have a funeral. As in every situation you also have 100's of people who are giving you advice on what they think and its hard to know if you are making the right choice. The visions that I have about that day will probably stay with me for the rest of my life. The physical pain I had to endure with no reward at the end and the recovery from a labor that two weeks later still I'm recovering from is unforgettable. But I'm thankful we were not any further along in pregnancy. I have heard many stories about women well into their third trimester or even birth who have had stillbirths, because this is what they call them at this point, and I'm grateful that I did not go any further into my pregnancy than I did.
I read that my situation is very rare and only 1% of pregnancies are lost in the second trimester and even smaller percentage at .03% in the third trimester. I know many of you have no right words for Kevin and I and even some have avoided us. I have had two different people come up to me and congratulate me on my news and the situation turn awkward because I become the one comforting them when I tell them there is nothing to congratulate us on. It is definitely heartbreaking. But the outpouring support is amazing. In the week of losing our baby, my fridge was stocked with food, we received SO many bouquets of beautiful flowers and sympathy cards. We received simple gifts with scriptures and uplifting quotes that I will cherish forever. Not to mention the massive amount of phone calls, emails and texts. In the worst of times you tend to feel most loved. I have never felt more loved than now. Kevin suggested planting a cherry tree in our yard in remembrance of the baby. It signifies death and rebirth and blooms every spring. We will be planting one as a family once the weather gets warmer. We want to thank YOU for all the support, laughs and cries. We are BLESSED.
No comments:
Post a Comment